


ask for nothing and that's all you'll get (this rule does not apply to jen harding)

by supercatandfriends



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: F/F, in which we discuss jen's insecurity issues that she covers poorly with sarcasm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:08:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24782077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercatandfriends/pseuds/supercatandfriends
Summary: Jen's just now beginning to think about what she really wants from Judy. But, really, does she even deserve anything else?aka- jen thinks too hard while she's watching a movie with her bff judy who she's totally not fucking in love with because that would be Stupid and Gross
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 38
Kudos: 187





	1. Chapter 1

When she’d been living her life constantly afraid of getting arrested, things had been different. They’d been absolute shit, for one. But Jen had also never really had that much _time_ on her hands. 

It wasn’t that she never had the time to sit around her pool with a glass of wine in her hands; it was entirely a mental thing. All of her available time to think had been taken up by the question of “ _what happens if we get caught?”_ Which meant that she had been able to avoid other questions. 

Questions that were starting to nag at her more and more every day. Questions like “ _what kind of perfume does Judy wear?”_ or _“how many times a day can I put my hands around Judy’s waist without her questioning it?”_

(The answers were, of course _“none, Jen, I just have this amazing body wash that I got at this little boutique in Arizona”_ and " _approximately a million”_ ) 

But the question of _why_ Jen even gave a shit about all those other questions still hadn’t been answered. Or at least, that’s what she managed to keep telling herself. 

“You’re like a thousand and ten miles away.” 

Jen looked down at the woman who was curled against her side on the couch, looking up at her expectantly. “I’m watching the movie, Judy.” 

“Mhm,” Judy said, pursing her lips, “What’s going on in that head?” 

Jen tilted her wine glass towards the screen, where a middle aged father figure was lecturing a kid about his grades. “I really hate that guy. I don’t know what he’s been in before, but I _hate_ him.” 

“He’s pretty hateable,” Judy agreed, obviously not believing that had been all that Jen was thinking about, but letting her have her secrets if she felt she needed them. _She’s probably just thinking I’ll tell her when I’m ready or some nonsense like that,_ Jen thought, before Judy could even start her next sentence. “His wife deserves better. She’s _too_ nice.” 

“God, did you just say someone was _too_ nice?” Jen said, laughing at the ridiculousness of it. “Judy Hale, certified nicest person alive, thinks someone is too nice?” 

“She literally gave a stranger her kidney. I would _never_.” 

“You would.” 

“I mean,” Judy pulled away from Jen, sitting up straighter and looking at her in the face. “If it were like, Charlie or Henry, then I’d give up both of them. But a stranger?” 

Judy pulled an uncertain face, her nose scrunching up adorably. Not that Jen thought it was adorable, personally, but she was sure it appealed to someone. Somewhere. 

“Or you,” Judy continued with a smirk, “If you weren’t being a dick.” 

“Hey!” Jen snatched up a throw pillow that had fallen to the floor, holding it up in mock offensiveness. “I would give you a kidney even if you _were_ being a dick.” 

“I’m never a dick,” Judy said, holding up her hands to block to blow she was sure was about to come, nearly dissolving into a fit of giggles. “Certified nicest person alive, remember?” 

“That was before I found out you wouldn’t give a stranger your kidney. The title’s been revoked,” Jen said, lightly booping Judy on the head with the pillow before tossing it back into the floor. “You’ll just have to apply again next year.” 

“And what miraculous act do I have to perform to qualify?” 

“I dunno.” Jen sipped her wine in thought, knowing she really should have stopped drinking two glasses ago. “Move in with an angry, widowed single mother and volunteer to help raise her chaotic children?” 

“Well, _apparently,_ that didn’t work for me this year so I don’t really see the benefit of doing it twice,” Judy said, punctuating it with a faux sharp look. Jen flinched back at the tone, even if it was a joke, even if she’d brought it up. And Judy immediately looked apologetic. “God, that was kind of dick-ish. You know I don’t mean that, Jen.” 

“Yeah, of course I know,” Jen said, dismissively. She took another, larger sip of her wine and turned back towards the television, trying to focus on what was happening in the movie she’d never been watching to begin with. Trying not to think about how little Judy actually _had_ benefited from their relationship. She got somewhere to live. But that was about it, as far as Jen could tell. 

But Jen? Jen had almost nothing but benefits. Someone to help with the kids and the housework. An extra income to keep them from ending up on the streets (or worse, _with Lorna_ ). Someone to talk to every single night so she didn’t have to spend her time crying herself to sleep. And she got Judy. Judy who was kind and smart and funny and absolutely everything. 

Well. She got Judy’s friendship. Which was still absolutely everything. But she had to admit that wasn’t really all she wanted. And thinking about how she wanted even _more_ from Judy after Judy had already given her everything and asked for almost nothing in return? Made her stomach tie itself up in knots. 

“You’re thinking again,” Judy whispered, her tone serious. 

“Am I not allowed?” 

“No, you’re allowed. I just wish you’d share that with me.”   
  


Really, she had absolutely no right to look that fucking genuine. No fucking right to look at her with those eyes and just ask Jen to bare her soul on her living room couch while some Oscar-bait drama played in the background. But Jen couldn’t even find it in her to be mad. Unfortunately, she found it completely fucking endearing. 

“I will, I promise,” Jen said, sighing. Because she knew how this would go. Eventually she’d break down and admit it. Out loud. To Judy. And Judy, because she’s too fucking good for her, would turn her down in the gentlest way possible. She just couldn’t deal with that right this second. “Just not tonight, okay Jude?” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all wanted that confession and i'm happy to oblige
> 
> this really could have been two parts because it's more than twice as long as the first half but it's here anyway

When Jen first started thinking about Judy _like that_ , she could only keep reminding herself- 

“You’re not even gay,” Jen muttered, sinking down further into the bath and deliberately blocking out where she’d just had her hand and who she’d been thinking about. “What the fuck is wrong with you? She’s your best friend.” 

And that was pretty much the only thing stopping her. She could hide behind the facade of being straight all she wanted, but she really wasn’t that committed to it. What she _was_ committed to was not hurting Judy, who was her best fucking friend. 

The worst part was, she’d promised Judy she would tell her. Judy had looked at her with those puppy dog eyes that _barely_ worked when Henry tried it and she’d folded instantly. She probably would have signed over her car if Judy had asked for it. 

Actually, the _worst_ part was that Jen was positive that Judy wouldn’t bring it up again. She’d wait. Patiently. Until Jen was ready to talk about it. Which meant it would hang over them for weeks, awkward and tense, until it bubbled over and threatened to ruin everything. As if it hadn’t already done so. 

A knock on the bathroom door interrupted her self-deprecation. 

“Jen? We’re gonna be late!” 

“I have never been late to one of the kids’ activities and I’m not gonna start tonight, Judy.” It was true. Hard to be late to things you had no intention of going to. But she was pulling herself up out of the tub anyway and grabbing a towel. 

Against all odds, it was a _Charlie_ activity tonight. Pastor Wayne had somehow managed to convince him that an extracurricular activity would benefit him and he’d joined some sort of robotics club. The dismissive, off-hand tone he’d used when he’d told Jen about the robot fight club meant that she was _absolutely_ gonna be going to every single robot battle and she’d fucking figure out what all of it meant. She’d even read a book about it if she had to. Because she hadn’t seen Charlie this invested in something that wasn’t a video game in years. 

They were going, non negotiable. And it was going to be a nice, normal evening focused on Charlie for fucking once and not on her. She was _not_ going to make tonight about her.

So she waited by the bathroom door, towel wrapped tightly around her, until she could be sure she’d heard Judy leave her bedroom. 

* * *

An hour and forty-two minutes later, she found herself squished beside Judy in an Applebee’s booth. Charlie’s team had done well, placing second overall and qualifying them for the next competition. So they’d come to his favorite chain restaurant to celebrate. Jen was proud of him; she couldn’t have imagined Charlie from a year ago being this invested in something for _school._

“Just think about how cool this is gonna look on your college applications,” Judy said, leaning across the table excitedly. She’d been way into the whole thing, screaming and cheering for Charlie the whole time. Charlie had claimed embarrassment but Jen could tell he loved the attention. “Extracurriculars are super important.”

Jen groaned, picking at the cheese fries in the middle of the table that everyone else had deemed too hot to eat. “Can we stop with all the college talk? I’m not emotionally ready for any of that.” 

“Agreed,” Charlie said, overwhelmed by the idea of _college_. “What’s really important is that I’m pretty sure I can make the toaster shoot fire.” 

“If you so much as look at the toaster funny, you’re gonna be grounded until you _do_ go to college,” Jen said, shutting down that idea before her whole kitchen ended up in flames. 

Their waiter came back a few minutes later with their food, having hardly given them time to finish the appetizer. Henry chatted excitedly about his new favorite show and Charlie didn’t even give him any shit about it being for babies. Even though it totally, fully was. Overall, Jen was pretty sure it had been a very successful family evening. 

And then it was over. And she was tucking Henry in and kissing him goodnight and saying goodnight to Charlie. Reminding him one more time that she was proud of him and that he was making good choices for himself. She could have sworn he even smiled at her before closing his bedroom door. 

Judy was waiting for her in the kitchen, a smile of her own seeming to be permanently plastered on her face. She was sitting at the counter, staring out the window and barely seemed to notice Jen walk into the room. 

“I’m gonna have to start locking up all the appliances in the house that Charlie deems nonvital,” Jen said, eyeing the espresso machine she’d wasted too much money on. 

Judy jumped a bit, clearly having been thinking about something else. But the smile didn’t leave. “Oh, I’m sure he wasn’t being serious. He knows better.” 

“The boy got caught selling drugs. I’m not certain he _knows_ anything,” Jen said with a little huff of laughter. It was weird how easy it felt to make jokes about her son, the former drug dealer. He’d really made a lot of progress in a very short amount of time. 

“Hey, be nice to him,” Judy said, fighting back a laugh of her own. “He’s doing so good.” 

“No, no, you’re right. He’s amazing,” Jen said, pulling herself up onto the bar stool beside her. Judy leaned over, dropping her head onto Jen’s shoulder. 

“Thank you for letting me come,” she said softly, her hand landing on Jen’s thigh. Jen let her eyes close, briefly letting herself pretend that everything was wonderful and fine and that Judy’s hand on her thigh didn’t cloud any of her thoughts. 

“The boys would have killed you if you hadn’t,” Jen said, eyes still closed. She tilted her own head to the side, letting herself bury her face in Judy’s hair. Which smelled like a whole fucking orange. “And then they would have killed me for not making you come.” 

“You will literally _never_ have to make me come to anything,” Judy said. Her hand rubbed little circles on Jen’s leg, somehow both really nice and absolute torture. “You guys are like my family, you know. I love being a part of this.” 

Jen sucked in a deep breath, inhaling even more citrus. Judy was going to be the fucking death of her, she was certain of it. “You _are_ family, Jude. There’s nothing ‘like’ about it.” 

Opening her eyes, she watched Judy discreetly trying to wipe her eyes. 

“Are you _crying_?” Jen asked in disbelief. They’d almost definitely been over this before. Like ten times at this point. But Jen still wrapped an arm around her and pulled her closer, squeezing her tight. “God, you’re such a sap.” 

Judy laughed, still a little teary. “You love it, don’t even try to deny it.” 

She was right. Jen couldn’t help but smile at the completely over the top emotions Judy had no problem expressing on a near constant basis. 

“I must be going soft,” Jen said, “I’m just gonna have to take a golf club to another car to balance things out again.” 

“I won’t take the blame for it this time.” 

“Which is unfair because this time it would actually be your fault.” 

They sat in silence for a few moments, comfortable and content. Jen’s arm around Judy’s shoulders and Judy’s hand on her thigh. Jen couldn’t remember the last time she’d been so _happy._ And she was only a little bit disgusted with herself. 

_Only a little bit disgusted with myself,_ Jen thought, immediately regretting even thinking that when she was hit with _immense_ disgust at herself for the way she was brushing her fingers up Judy’s bare arm. Because there was no fucking way that would be allowed if Judy knew what she’d done with those same fingers in the bathtub that morning while thinking about her. 

Jen was sure Judy felt her freeze up. Because the hand that had been drawing circles on her leg froze, too. 

“I’m feeling pretty tired-” 

“What the hell has been going on with you?” Judy interrupted, pulling out of Jen’s arms and looking her in the eyes. Jen flinched back, drawing her hands up to her own chest. And then immediately dropping them because Jen Harding did _not_ do vulnerable. “One minute you’re fine and we’re good and then it’s like the very next second…” 

Judy trailed off, waving her hands a bit like that clarified things. Not that Jen needed anything clarified. She knew exactly what Judy was talking about. And she didn’t even look mad about it. Just… sad. 

“Did I… do something?” Judy asked when Jen didn’t respond, her voice smaller than Jen had heard it in a while. 

Jen’s eyes went wide, quick to reach out and lay both of her hands back on Judy’s shoulders. 

“No, no, honey. I promise, it’s not…” Jen sighed, squeezing her eyes shut and willing herself to get through this god forsaken conversation. She opened them again to make sure Judy was paying attention and knew she was serious. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” 

Judy frowned, but nodded anyway. Jen could practically see the wheels turning in her head, doing the same fucking thing that Jen always did, too. Blaming herself and forcing things to fit together to tell that story regardless of how hard you had to push to make it happen. 

And she knew she had to tell her. Because this wasn’t a Judy problem. It was a Jen problem. And it wasn’t fair of her to make Judy think otherwise. 

“I think I’m in love with you,” poured out of her mouth way faster than her brain could keep up. Definitely wasn’t how she’d intended to phrase that one. “I.. I am in love with you. Pretty positive about it.” 

“Jen-” 

“No, just listen for a minute, Jude,” Jen said, trying to be gentle about it and trying her damn hardest not to cry. Because she wasn’t _soft_ . “I know it’s a pretty shit excuse for acting like a cunt but I promise you, I am _handling it._ Just give me like, two weeks to readjust and we can forget about the whole thing-”  
  


“You’re in love with me?” Judy said, her voice going all soft again. Jen could see the tears starting to well up in her eyes and was not feeling another round of ‘ _Judy cries and Jen awkwardly holds her while thinking about how nice her hair smells and then feeling guilty about it’._

“I’m handing it. You don’t even really need to worry about it.” Jen wished she felt as confident about that as she hoped she sounded, because ‘handling it’ had not been going well so far. 

“What the _fuck_ are you talking about?” Judy said, the softness that had been present before quickly replaced with confusion. She didn’t pull away from Jen, though, who still had her hands on her shoulders. “I’m supposed to just _forget_ that you’re in love with me?” 

If Jen hadn’t been sure that she’d fucked everything up before, she certainly was now. Because Judy was right. Your best friend being in love with you wasn’t really something you just forgot about. 

“Well how else do you propose we handle this situation, then, Judy?” Jen knew she was almost yelling. She _knew_ she was getting angry, but her self control was slipping. And she was more than a little defensive. “What’s the other option?” 

“You let me fucking love you, Jen!” Judy yelled right back, letting the tears fall as she said it. 

Jen froze again, speechless for the hundredth time since she’d met Judy. Who kept managing to surprise her, somehow. All she could think to do was to stand up, tug Judy closer and press her as tightly as she could against her chest. So she did. 

“You really want that?” Jen asked, disbelief coloring her voice. “You know what I’m like, Judy. I’m not an easy person to be with.” 

“And you think I am?” Judy asked, still a bit biting. Like she wasn’t going to let her off that easily. Judy was always the first person to defend Jen, even from herself. “Jen, I _know_ you. You’re all intense and beautiful and magnificent. I don’t give a shit about _easy._ ” 

“I am maybe a little bit intense,” Jen agreed, threading her fingers through Judy’s hair. She heard her sigh; a tiny sound of relief. Like Judy had been waiting for this conversation to happen, too. Like she’d wanted this, somehow. 

“And beautiful and magnificent,” she said. Jen could feel Judy’s fingers digging into her waist, holding her close. “You’re like the sun, Jen. You’re just… everything.” 

Jen laughed despite herself, pulling away from Judy for a moment, only to reach up and cup her cheeks. She brushed her thumb over the tear tracks that were barely visible in the dim light of the kitchen. “I feel like I’m always asking you for more, Judy.” 

“I like it when you ask me for things,” Judy said. She leaned into Jen’s hand, a soft smile on her face. Jen felt her lips brush against her palm, just barely ghosting over her skin. She was hit with desire; something she’d been pushing down for weeks now and felt like she was finally allowed to feel. 

“You never ask me for anything.” 

“I usually don’t have to ask. That’s one of your biggest secrets, Jen Harding. You’re _generous_. You gave me so fucking much and I’ve never once had to ask for any it.” Judy gestured around them with her hand. “You gave me your whole family, Jen. How could I ever possibly ask for anything else?” 

Jen knew she was crying. She knew it. But it didn’t really hit home until she felt Judy mirror her own movements, reaching up to wipe her tears away. 

“You could ask me for anything and I’d figure out a way to give it to you,” Jen said, knowing it was true. Judy could ask her for the fucking moon and Jen would invest in Space X. She sniffled a bit, trying to pull herself back together before things got really embarrassing. She was already _soft,_ she didn’t need to be _weepy_ , too. 

Judy was still looking at her like she was her whole world. And Jen was so certain that Judy had always looked at her like that. _God,_ Jen thought, _how the hell was I so self-absorbed that I didn’t see that before?_

“So,” Jen said, breaking the silence they’d fallen into, “what, uh, what now?” 

She watched Judy ponder the question for a moment, wishing she could hear her thoughts. Judy bit her lower lip, looking every bit like Jen’s wildest dreams. Finally, after what seemed like ages, something seemed to click in Judy’s mind and she smirked at Jen. 

“I get to ask you for something,” Judy declared, putting her hands on Jen’s hips. Jen’s brow furrowed in confusion, unsure where she was going with this. Judy leaned in closer, pushing up from the barstool to stand eye level with Jen. “Can I kiss you?” 

Jen let out a noise that was somewhere between a laugh and a sigh of relief before she let herself fall forward and close the distance between them. And just like all the rest of her, Judy’s lips were so fucking _soft_ . She felt bold, all of a sudden, confidence kicking back in now that she’d gotten confirmation that she wasn’t alone in her feelings. When Judy hummed into the kiss, Jen decided that _soft_ might be nice, but she could do better. She parted her lips, pulling Judy in closer and letting her tongue trace across her lower lip. Judy quickly gave in, letting Jen take over and just falling into her. 

Because Judy was right. Jen really, _really_ was a giver. And Judy wouldn’t even have to ask. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @debbielouocean on tumblr
> 
> also like, thank you guys for all the nice comments and everything! it means a lot to me and i probably wouldn't have written the second part without all the excellent feedback!

**Author's Note:**

> i'm on tumblr @debbielouocean! i'm also super open to prompts for these two because they're so fucking dramatic that it kills me


End file.
